Dysautonomia Sucks!!

Dysautonomia Sucks!!
This is a picture that I created just to show how I feel about my disease(s).

Monday, February 7, 2011

Why worry right???

I know its been awhile since I've posted. Things have been crazy. I am going to try to take time every day or at least every week to post. I appreciate all my followers and knowing people care. 

So the latest thing on my mind is Feb. 10, 2011. If you're wondering whats Feb 10, 2011 about, well let me tell you. 

In 2007 I noticed a small knot in my left side. It was tender but not too bad. As the days and weeks passed, I noticed that it started getting bigger. I went to a surgeon to have it removed and he removed one that I did not even know was there. I got a major infection in it and it took a long time to close up. 

Afterwards, I started to notice more knots. Now they were coming up in my leg, my sides, stomach, neck, my arm, and even inside my mouth. I was stressing.  The one in my arm started to get very large and ended up becoming attached to the nerve so it was causing problems. I went to a different surgeon at a different hospital and had that one removed. Come to find out there were four knots attached to the nerve but the doctor only removed one. I got yet another infection and now have a horrible looking scar. 

So now its time to go back under the knife. Feb 10, 2011 is my next surgery date (which is this Thursday). They are going in to remove the knot in my left side that my first surgeon failed to remove. Its now gotten so big that its pushing my ribs out and causing a lot of pain. Its caused me to have problems sleeping as well.

Now, the reason behind the subject oh this blog is the fact that I'm so freaking worried about this surgery that I cant sleep, I'm having horrible nightmares that I'm going to die on the operating table, etc. I cant think of anything other then that. 

Everyone keeps saying "Don't worry, you'll be fine". Well for some reason I just can't make myself believe that. The anxiety of it is getting worse the closer it gets to the date. I want this gone but I am totally terrified. 

I know that I have had surgeries before and came out fine but there is just something about this one that just doesn't sit right with me. I've never had this kind of fear before. I don't understand it. I've tried to keep my mind off of it but I can't. 

I have also started dating this great guy but in the back of my mind I have that question of "when's he going to walk away" just lingering there. We can be having a good time and then out of no where its like a strange voice repeats that question over and over again and thats all I can think about. 

He knows about my health and knows that I'm no where near perfect but he has said and acts like he understands and is okay with it but for some reason I just can't bring myself to believe it. I guess its just because I have had to deal with getting close to someone and them finding out about my health and then running away. 

I want a guy who isn't going to treat me any differently. I don't want to constantly be reminded of it. I want to be able to go out and not think about it. I don't want someone who's going to constantly ask if I'm okay or anything. I'm the type of girl who tries to keep stuff hidden. I don't want everyone to know due to people acting like I'm going to drop dead at any minute. 

That's one reason why I like this guy so much. Because he hasn't acted that way but for some reason I'm still waiting for it. I want to mention it but I don't know how. I'm scared of him getting mad. I'm happy with him and am hoping this works but I'm still questioning everything in the back of my mind also. Its crazy. 

So my problem at the moment is that I can't stop worrying no matter what I do. That worry is always in the back of my mind. So I guess at the moment I'm just going to have to deal with it and try my best to quit thinking about so much and just live for the moment. I'm going to leave it to God as to what happens. 

So on an ending note, I am hoping that I can find time to post at least once a week, hopefully more. I hope all is well with everyone. Much love! 


  1. Kayla girl,I know you are afraid,Just know I am here for you,and I am happy you are finding happiness too....just run with it,dont second guess it<3Love ya,Julie

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  3. Aww sweety! I am the same way in relationships once I got sick and it made it very hard for me to really like any one. I always thought... there must be something wrong with them.. why do they want to date a sick person? or they aren't getting to see the real me bc I'm sick, and they aren't going to like me and just think I'm lazy lol.

    As for the surgery thing... I don't know what to say when you're feeling this one is different... maybe bc you've been more run down this time? I would talk to the doctor about your fears before going in the operating room.

  4. Kayla, I know you are scared about the surgery and your new relationship, but just know that God has you in His hands and knows what He's doing. God IS in control over all things. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm worried too, but it's not because of the fear of something happening during surgery. It's because I see you worrying about things and doubting your strength to get through this. You have been through so much and will continue to go through things. You are tough! You're a fighter! You don't give up on anything! Just remember that this surgery will give you the relief from the pain you've been feeling from this knot, and hopefully, this doctor will be able to find out what they are, what's causing them, and what we can do to prevent them. We just have to have faith and trust that everything is going to be okay.

    Twice you've been told that you possibly had cancer, and twice they came back and said no, you didn't. Each time, we prayed that God would have His will and way in each situation, and He did. He will in this situation too. You have so many friends and family members praying for you and even people who have never met you or even talked to you. With so many prayers going up for you, how could anything go wrong? Just remember, whatever the outcome, you always have your family and friends there by your side. Just try to think positively and know we are all praying for you.

    I love you always and forever, Mom.

  5. Whoa sorry about my comment being removed; I definitely understand your fears about your surgery! I just wanted to tell you I'm going to be praying for you <3 I'm sure it'll go just fine~ Usually the anticipation is the worst part! Pamper yourself this week, do something just for you that you love! Corrie Ten Boom said "If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided strong shoes." Sending much love and support your way girl! God's got you in His hands.

  6. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. I guess its just because its so close to the date (now just two days away) and its driving me nuts knowing that its so close. I'm hoping and praying that everything goes fine. I'll update afterwards for everyone to know. Again, I appreciate it. I love each and every one of you. (btw if you see the comment from me but its talking to me, its my mom leaving that comment but for some reason it put it under my name)