I know its been awhile since I've posted. Things have been crazy. I am going to try to take time every day or at least every week to post. I appreciate all my followers and knowing people care.
So the latest thing on my mind is Feb. 10, 2011. If you're wondering whats Feb 10, 2011 about, well let me tell you.
In 2007 I noticed a small knot in my left side. It was tender but not too bad. As the days and weeks passed, I noticed that it started getting bigger. I went to a surgeon to have it removed and he removed one that I did not even know was there. I got a major infection in it and it took a long time to close up.
Afterwards, I started to notice more knots. Now they were coming up in my leg, my sides, stomach, neck, my arm, and even inside my mouth. I was stressing. The one in my arm started to get very large and ended up becoming attached to the nerve so it was causing problems. I went to a different surgeon at a different hospital and had that one removed. Come to find out there were four knots attached to the nerve but the doctor only removed one. I got yet another infection and now have a horrible looking scar.
So now its time to go back under the knife. Feb 10, 2011 is my next surgery date (which is this Thursday). They are going in to remove the knot in my left side that my first surgeon failed to remove. Its now gotten so big that its pushing my ribs out and causing a lot of pain. Its caused me to have problems sleeping as well.
Now, the reason behind the subject oh this blog is the fact that I'm so freaking worried about this surgery that I cant sleep, I'm having horrible nightmares that I'm going to die on the operating table, etc. I cant think of anything other then that.
Everyone keeps saying "Don't worry, you'll be fine". Well for some reason I just can't make myself believe that. The anxiety of it is getting worse the closer it gets to the date. I want this gone but I am totally terrified.
I know that I have had surgeries before and came out fine but there is just something about this one that just doesn't sit right with me. I've never had this kind of fear before. I don't understand it. I've tried to keep my mind off of it but I can't.
I have also started dating this great guy but in the back of my mind I have that question of "when's he going to walk away" just lingering there. We can be having a good time and then out of no where its like a strange voice repeats that question over and over again and thats all I can think about.
He knows about my health and knows that I'm no where near perfect but he has said and acts like he understands and is okay with it but for some reason I just can't bring myself to believe it. I guess its just because I have had to deal with getting close to someone and them finding out about my health and then running away.
I want a guy who isn't going to treat me any differently. I don't want to constantly be reminded of it. I want to be able to go out and not think about it. I don't want someone who's going to constantly ask if I'm okay or anything. I'm the type of girl who tries to keep stuff hidden. I don't want everyone to know due to people acting like I'm going to drop dead at any minute.
That's one reason why I like this guy so much. Because he hasn't acted that way but for some reason I'm still waiting for it. I want to mention it but I don't know how. I'm scared of him getting mad. I'm happy with him and am hoping this works but I'm still questioning everything in the back of my mind also. Its crazy.
So my problem at the moment is that I can't stop worrying no matter what I do. That worry is always in the back of my mind. So I guess at the moment I'm just going to have to deal with it and try my best to quit thinking about so much and just live for the moment. I'm going to leave it to God as to what happens.
So on an ending note, I am hoping that I can find time to post at least once a week, hopefully more. I hope all is well with everyone. Much love!